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I kinda figured out why I hate myself (Italian here, I apologize for the probable mistakes) I really don't know how to phrase this concept w/out coming out as an asshole, so I'll just say it: I think I hate myself because I'm not able to bring out the potential *I know* I have in me. I'm a heavy stammerer, always have been, and yet I figured out how to get a master's degree in law, I'm objectively great with girls and currently have a gf that's way outta my league, insanely outta my league, I managed to act in some theater shows, write and perform my own music in front of large crowds while speaking through the whole process and periodically public speak. Hell, I even did some standup, and it was fine. Just to be clear: I'm not "making it work", I'm not like those guys that figured out how to coexist with this bitch ass speech impediment and manage to speak almost flawlessly. I fail all the time, you definitely can say I have it, AND YET I do it. The thing is, I'm deeply convinced that this will always influence and limit me in the things I want to do. For everything I manage to say, for every wonderful moment of recklessness in which I say *hell yeah, I'll start that internship in that legal office/speak to that large crowd/try to do this shit*, in which I voluntarily put myself in a tight space because I know I'll eventually manage to figure it out, I have DOZEN of times when I just can't bring myself to do or say something I'd like to do or say, because I know I'll mess up, and I always, ALWAYS regret it. I live in a fucking twilight zone, because I genuinely have proofs of the fact that I'm kinda brilliant (again, probably coming out as an asshole) even when I don't try that hard, so I HATE ME for not trying as hard as I can. I turned down a fucking book deal with a publisher because I didn't want to tour and promote it, because I was scared of my stutter, because I was lazy, I don't really go all-in on my studies because hey, what's the point in doing that if you won't be able to speak during the oral exam? And yet I kinda succeed. I'm never fully satisfied, but I objectively mildly succeed. And don't get me started on pressure. Everyone I know expects AMAZING stuff from me, every close friend perceives the fact that I don't try as hard as I can and starts making a fuzz about my fucking *potential*, and I kinda hate them, 'cause I know they are friggin right, but I just don't know how to FULLY break the cycle. I'm really proud of my asshole-ish, kinda brilliant brain, but I feel incomplete, I can't take myself seriously and I feel lazy, I KNOW that I'm lazy and I just don't know how NOT to be lazy. I'm starting to think that it would have been better if I just straight and plain failed in everything I ever tried and, guess what, I also hate myself for thinking that, because I know that some people have it way worse and can't even leave the house. A part of my brain tells me that if I just managed to get in a good shape, lose some weight, try as hard as I can, start dressing for the job that I want and not for the job that I have, I could turn that "kinda succeed" in a "fully succeed". Then I just make a fool of myself ordering a pizza or stuff like that and the other part of my brain just goes NOPE. How can I be a lawyer, or a judge, or a journalist, or a writer, or a musician if I can't properly make phone calls, interview people, if I avoid to say something or go someplace outta sheer fear? Either I manage to make it big, and I just don't think I'm THAT brilliant and talented, or I'm fucked, because I don't know how to be "functionally average". Tl;dr: fuck you universe, I don't care if I'm SLIGHTLY more intelligent than others: make me dumber but allow me to speak freely.