Stuttering is hard, I've been dealing with it my whole life too, but this sounds like you need help with depression or other mental health concerns. What I mean is that there are a lot of people who have a different set of struggles than stuttering who deal with depression or anxiety in a very similar way. It gives away so much of your power to dictate the terms of your life to treat stuttering as something that alone will make your life irredeemably horrible.