I’m very sorry you face such tough struggles in your life. There’s really nothing I can say or do it make it better for you. I wish there was. However, stuttering has not and does not ruin your life… you worrying about your stuttering has made your life more difficult. It’s really a vicious circle. I know, I’ve been in that vicious cycle many times in my life. Too many. So how do you get out of your cycle? If you have a smart phone, check out the helpful stuttering apps. There are tons of them and most are free with in app purchases. There’s one that delays feedback and literally will stop your stuttering instantly. There are apps that reach you how to soften your blocks. Rely on technology. It really does help. One trick I use is if I have to go into a store and ask for something, input in my headset and crank the music full blast. Most stutterers do not stutter when they can’t hear themselves. Practice that before using it. I then discreetly lower the volume or turn it off when the person answers the question. Hot dang it really works. Don’t accept defeat, find a solution. Do research on stuttering apps, get a book at the library about helping stuttering. Don’t just bitch and whine about it, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.