Today one word came from my deepest of my mind “Die”

Today one word came from my deepest of my mind “Die” Stuttering is not always like, taking time to get out a word, sometime word doesn’t want to come out at all, like when you are trying to say a word for fucking 5 minutes in front of four people, and when it comes out, it is all broken and messed up, so you have to repeat it and cycle rotates. Even if the listeners are nice people and understand you, try to help you, but they will never going to know what you want to say. People say confidence is the key, many times I show bravery and do stuff(including speaking sometimesin hard situation), increasing my confidence and then One good slap of stutter,and my confidence is on the floor. I started new work, my trainer was traning me with my coworkers, one important question came to my mind, so I decided to ask, I started the question with some broken words and one word comes with “s” and The torture started, I tried and tried and tried, and finally failed, my trainer and my coworker are so co-operative, but ………. at that I don’t know but my mind said “die”, “you should die.” many times I think my parents should have starngled me at the time of birth. I know in this shittest world, many people have way worst life then me. but…. exercises and everything I have tried, earlier exercises were helping somewhat but now nothing is working. I want to say many things.