barely hanging on...it's getting bad again.

barely hanging on...it's getting bad again. just need to vent. I'm Tom and I'm from Australia, it's great to meet you all. Over the past 2 months my stutter has begun to get worse again, confirming the pattern of the stuttering wave which seems to be there. There are months where I am much more fluent, and then there are months where everything feels like I'm trapped, every sentence, every word a concrete wall separating me from true verbal connection with people. I'm in a bad place health wise at the moment, and yesterday I was picked up by an ambulance and taken to the hospital. I couldn't even express what was wrong with me because I was blocking so horrendously...I felt so ashamed and embarrassed to be me. It's just too much to deal with man, I've resorted to chemical dependance to sooth the pain of a lifelong stutter which has only made things so much worse. The depression is unbearable, and I find it really hard to just accept my stutter and let go. I just cant do it. It makes me so angry and miserable to be trapped in my mind like this, and to face the shame of not being able to say words. and to top it off, there are hardly any people I've met who understand what a stutter is, and the pain it causes. I've felt so misunderstood and unfairly judged. I just have no idea what to do, my life has become so much harder with everything on my plate. I hope I can make it through. and I hope everyone here who understands can make it through and achieve all of your dreams. thanks for reading this rant