I think that I will not have any friends for the next two years.

I think that I will not have any friends for the next two years. Though this is quite obvious (why else would I post here?), I have a very bad stammer. I get long blocks and pull strange faces, my muscles hurt, my voice is very quiet and weak, I tend to repeat the same sounds, I run out of energy from speaking for a short time, I get very flustered and tend to shake from anxiety whenever I talk. I spent a long time working on it, I was constantly tutored for my entire life, but I never improved much - I am not so bad speaking privately to somebody with a limitless amount of patience when have planned out what I will say but that is it. I am constantly embarrassing myself. I cannot maintain even a pretence of being competent, I give myself away the second I try to speak. I am 16 and so I moved schools for Sixth Form (UK version of high school, the 6th and 7th years when you are preparing for university). This was in September. Now, it is December and I have barely spoken even a word to anybody. I know it is my fault and my fault alone but I feel as if I have only had brief conversations with my English teacher in private and said a few words aloud at the beginning of the year. Otherwise, I can barely say that I even exist. We have broken up for the holidays and I realised this. Now I am a bit scared that I won’t have a single friend for the entire two years. It is too late to even try. I just feel like I must be very off-putting to people; I can barely even say my own name so why would anybody wish to speak with me? I think like that but I don’t have any good defence against my own self-loathing thoughts. It sounds very silly but I get very stressed even thinking about speaking in front of other people. I find myself fearing being called upon, dreading especially in my english classes, but now I find myself feeling pitiful and useless because I never get called upon anymore - I am always skipped even when it is obviously “my turn”. I initially feared people attempting to speak to me - I felt my entire body strain as I tried to make the words come out, I felt them staring at me when I would get stuck on the same sounds again and again - but now nobody even tries. They must have realised that it is not worthwhile to speak with me because I cannot say anything - my parents say that trying to make me say something sensible is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone, I guess so. I feel very lonely. My daily routine is so lonely. I wake up alone, I eat alone, I study alone, I go from place to place alone. I am studious but only because there is nothing else for me to do. When at home, my parents do not enjoy speaking with me, they find me intolerable, so I stay in my room. When at school, I do not have any friends, so I stay silent there also and just go to the library or a study room. I only enjoy being alone, though I hate being lonely, because I feel disappointing. It sounds sad, incredibly pathetic even, but I always get excited whenever I see my form tutor, who is also my english teacher, and I find myself trying to contrive some excuse to talk about something, anything. I mentally brace myself to say good morning, I hope to say it fast enough to not linger in the doorway. I greet them and am greeted back warmly, sometimes this is my only direct interaction with anybody for the day. I do believe I will go absolutely insane if the next two years of my life are like this and, if the entirety of my life is like this, I do not know what I would do. I do accept the inevitability of this, deep down, like everybody is too mature to make fun of me but there is nothing else to be said so now nobody talks to me at all - it is somehow more intolerable than being bullied. I always feel so sad, like there is a large stone pressed against my chest. I always fear crying. I always watch other people talking freely to one another and I feel so bitter and jealous - why does my voice betray me but everybody else is free to say whatever they like? Is it childish to say something like “it is not fair!”? I am not even angry, just so sad - crushed. I am sick of looking stupid and being treated like a non entity. Sorry that I haven’t said anything constructive, I just complained. I don’t think I am asking for advice, I just want to say something with the knowledge that even a single person will know my thoughts - instead of constantly being trapped by the words that never come out. Thanks?