Well coming here, posting, owning up to the embarrassment is a first step and it's a big first step, so feel good about that. I've known a lot of people who stutter, lots of covert stutterers and this avoid and ignore default you have is not sustainable. Eventually it'll be too much and you won't be able to continue with it. Well if it's going to happen and you're going to have to deal with it, you might as well deal with it sooner rather than later. I dont know where you comfort level lies, but I think you should find someone to talk about this stuff with, to unload some of the burden. That can be a family member, a close friend, a speech therapist, or even a variety of online strangers who stutter and are willing to support and listen. If you live in Toronto, I know people there who are active in self help and are very nice, accepting people. You can see if there are any groups near you as well: http://www.stutter.ca/find-help/resources/support-groups-in-canada.html You seem to be hit with a double whammy of having a severe stutter (like myself) and also having all of the shame that covert stutterers have. This speaker was covert, but her story still resonates: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6z18y2IP6k