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Can't stop thinking about suicide 20F. Did you have such thoughts? I need to vent a little bit and need an advice what to do in my situation. Stuttering is getting more and more severe all the time despite on different kind of therapies. But what kills me the most I don't have redeeming qualities at all! I'm ugly, poor and extremely stupid (maybe it's lack of development?) All my life I'm trying to be disciplined and work on my disadvantages to be able to be a normal average person with a little bit of happiness in life. But the more I work on yourself the more I'm likely falling down. Currently studying at uni. I overestimated myself and entered the faculty of accountancy. It's very hard and unbearable for me. I made a mistake. It gives me so much stress and now I'm stuck in this occupation for the next 3 years (1 year before graduation and then obligatory working for 2 years according to rules in my country). I hate to wake up and think that today is another day when I'm doing what I hate the most. I like making music, drawing, writing some things. But uni and part time job takes all my time and energy. I should have chosen to work with manual labor where I wouldn't have to use speech, which I almost don't have. I'm stuttering like hell everywhere. Nervous tics on my face. Headaches every evening. Some people threat me with understanding, some think I'm weirdo and pathetic. And people always around me! I don't remember times when I could be alone at least for 1 day. But I am insanely lonely among them. It seems to me that if it weren't for stuttering I would be an extrovert and a very cheerful talkative person. But I just can't. I'm just silent in my cage. In addition to it I seriously injured my knees and I'm unlikely to be able to run one day. I'm very sad cause jogging and sport in general were one of the few things that brought pleasure in life. And now chronic pain is always with me while I'm walking. So now even my physical movements are limited. Maybe God plays a joke on me? Why everything is falling apart? I look at people around me. They're amazing! They have friends, beautiful faces, high intellect, money, energy, talents, opportunities, relationships, travellings and cool situations in life. They have Speech! If I had a fluent speech I wouldn't be so worry about ugly face and other disadvantages because I could use my voice for self-realization. Speech is the most powerful thing in the world! Now my goal is to work hard and earn enough financial pillow so as 3 years later I had the opportunity to throw my past life and be able to provide for at least 3-5 months a full rest and loneliness while doing only my favourite things. And start life with pure sheet. But I don't know how to live until this time? every month I feel worse. The only 4 things that help me to remove suicidal thoughts are: 1) I'll hurt my family 2) what if tomorrow I wake up without stuttering? 3) What if I will become extremely lucky tomorrow and smth wonderful will happen to me which will turn my life upside down? 4) what if bible is true and my soul end up in hell, though I don't believe in it. But what if it is all real? I'm trying to cheer myself up and enjoy the little things, but I'm getting worse. I'm afraid I'll do it once after another tense day. and the way back will not be. What if I'm doomed to do what I don't like and feel pain until the end of life? what makes sense from this? I don't want to lose hope. I don't want to feel shame for my thoughts. I just don't understand how to live this life and I want to be just deleted from it. But is it worth it?