My story of having a stutter and why I'm thankful for it. [Wall of text warning]

My story of having a stutter and why I'm thankful for it. [Wall of text warning] Hey guys and gals! I'm Aaron, and I'm a junior at Grand Valley State University in Allendale, MI studying Special Education. This is my story of how my stutter and I have fought through the years, how we've come to coexist now, and why I'm absolutely grateful for the curse. (That's your TL;DR by the way) I've been stuttering for... Well as long as I can remember, so that places it around 10 or so. I'm 20 years old now, so some simple math makes that 10 years! It started out with some words taking a little more time to say, while others were just so hard I avoided them at all costs. As I began to mature and grow older, nearly every sentence was filled with at least one block and/or repetition. Being a middle schooler where girls and guys are constantly living on a who-likes-who scene, I wasn't really the most favored. That wasn't too much of a blow to me, as I had my friends, and we did our thing while others did theirs. Yes, jokes were made, and feelings were hurt, but I recovered from those. I began just to block out everything that people said to me about my speech, and tried to not let it bother me. And guess what? It didn't. Yet, I was still not even close to being at peace with myself. No, what really got to me was not being able to freely speak my mind. Everyone had said what a quiet kid I was, and how I should speak up more. Truth be told, I was far from wanting to stay quiet all the time. Half of the time I tried to speak and nothing came out, other times, I knew what I wanted to say would just result in taking a minute to spit out a single word, so speaking was then out of the picture. Not being able to really say what I wanted to shook me to my core. I can't begin to explain the hell I was living in. This was before texting became mainstream, mind you, so there wasn't a great way for me to really interact with my friends and family. It felt as if someone had given me the keys to a precious car, and drained the gas tank. It was as if I had all this potential to say something great, but just couldn't get a damn word out. (Although, being in middle school, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing, lol.) This led to anxiety about speaking, which led to stuttering, which led to more anxiety, and the vicious cycle continued. I was so focused on not stuttering that I was never able to look past it and focus on what I actually wanted to say. My speech, and to quite the extent, my life were controlled by my stutter. If you want my definition of hell on earth, that's it right there. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to that kind of daily, hourly, constant torture. Anyway, enter high school. A new school district, and a brand new start. So less stress, right? Haha... No. Not a chance. My stutter was still there, and because I was so wrapped up in trying to not look/sound like a stutterer, my stutter came back with a vengeance. All those feelings from high school were certainly still there, but with my more mature perspective, I began to take it much more seriously, and therefore much more anxiety began to build up inside of me, which then, of course, led to more stuttering, and an even lower self image than I had before. Questions such as, "What are you going to do with your life?" "Where am I going to work?" "What job would I enjoy?" That every high schooler asks themselves turned much more depressing. "What could you do with your stutter? Nothing that involves speaking, soooo...." "Who would hire a stutterer like yourself? You can't even say your own name!" "What line of work could you fill with a stutter? Obviously nothing. Not even fast food would accept your sorry ass." Clearly the perspective of a high schooler isn't the most broad way of viewing the world, but it was all I had. I did have an amazing girlfriend for close to a year and a half (who I'm still really great friends with. We're actually going to a concert this week with her boyfriend, and my current girlfriend! Should be a lot of fun! Anyways...) who helped me take on a different perspective that my stutter didn't define who I was. I wasn't a stutterer. I was Aaron. And I just to happened to have a horrible, life stopping stutter. No, this wasn't the most optimistic look on things, but it was real. And it was a hell of a lot better than before. No longer was I trapped into the rut of defining myself as a stutterer. No, I was a living, breathing person with feelings, thoughts, passions, and desires. I was finally able to begin defining myself under my terms. Not the terms of my stutter. Yes, questions came into play over what I would be doing with my life, but I learned to just let it go and not to let uncertainty of the future ruin my present being. From this uprising of sorts, I began to decide whatever I did with my life, I wanted to help people. That sounds so cliché, and to be honest, it is. But I learned from my hell that someone who could help pour a little bit of water on a person's internal fire was absolutely invaluable, and nothing short of a saint. If I could help even one person recognize their full potential, I could die a happy man. That is what drove me to get up in the mornings, to sit through class, to stay up and study relentlessly for those exams. My drive was for others not to experience my same hell alone, and I'd make sure of it. Fast forward through high school, and into college. I had landed a job at a dining hall right out the back door of my dorm. The phone interview was filled with stuttering, but I was still offered the job on the spot while I was parked in a parking lot of a Menard's. Instant joy had filled me. I had gotten a job without knowing any body, without sweet talking any managers before hand, and all on my own. Granted, it was just flipping burgers for hungry college kids, but it was a job I earned. Working there my freshman year, I had to communicate to customers, coworkers, and managers through speech. At first, I was sucked up into the same routine of worry, stutter, worry, stutter, etc, but by the end of my first semester, something changed. After getting so worked up for so long, and only having more stuttering, I decided to say, "Screw it. If I stutter, then I'm going to stutter. If I'm going to talk without, then that's just what'll happen." And guess what happened? I stuttered exactly as much as before. But, I didn't let it bother me nearly as much. Yeah it sucked, and yeah it was time wasted, but it never got to my head, and didn't stop me from talking. Eventually, the stuttering did begin to subside (or at least to me it did), and I was starting to feel okay about it! Then summer hit. Classes ended, and I moved back home. Time to find a summer job. I managed to get a job at a bicycle shop where I would be building new bikes for the floor, and working with customers in getting their bikes in/out, calling about parts ordered, helping them find items, and most importantly, selling brand new bikes (with that sweet, sweet 1% commission on all sales). Talk about out of my comfort zone. This was a job where I would have to communicate much more than at the dining hall, and where I couldn't just speak off a script (such as at the dining hall). I would have to formulate an entire conversation with a stranger, and try to convince them to buy a bike from us. This required knowledge of the floor bikes (which was growing every day), the ability to get to know what the customer wanted from their bike (speech=bleh), the ability to show why the bike I was showing them was their best choice (speech...), and perhaps a little sales man upselling (definitely not my strong suit, but I began to learn the trade). My first bike sale went.... Exactly how I expected it to. I stuttered up and down the wall, I didn't know how to sell the thing, and I probably sold her a few less accessories than she would have bought. But you know what? I freaking did it. My worst nightmare of the event had come, passed, yet here I was. Still standing. Still breathing. $5 richer from the commission, even. Through the summer, I began to develop my salescraft and started making more and more sales. Heck, one month I had sold the highest amount of inventory out of the entire staff, including my boss, by a hair over a thousand dollars. And what was with me the entire time? My stutter. Always waiting for an opportunity to jump into a conversation. But I accepted it with open arms. "Hey there, old friend, I know you just wanted to say hey, but now isn't really the time. Perhaps later?" I'd just let it happen. Some occasions were easy, others were worse. But I made it through. I lived to fight the next day. I was at peace with my stutter. Was it easy to have? Of course not. Out of anger, sadness, depression, and anxiety have grown patience, peace, compassion, empathy, love, and happiness. For that, I wouldn't change this for the world. If you are having trouble with your stutter, I can't recommend enough that you get out of your comfort zone and stutter away. It's one of the worst positions I've had myself in, but the freedom that comes from it is... Remarkable. Feel free to PM me as well, I'd love to help in anyway I can. Hopefully my story has helped someone in some way. :) All the best, Aaron