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Hello It might be a bit long, I apologize. But I wanted to get it off my chest in some way. My English may be a bit bad, I hope I've made myself clear. ​ There is a great restlessness inside me that is constantly bothering me, making me irritable, angry and a bit frustrated with life. I'm tired of doing extremely repetitive work, without human contact, when there is so much more to life. It drives me crazy not being able to exchange ideas. Of course people will say "it's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty for still dealing with it". But I know that's not how it works at all, that it's nothing more than shit to play the polyannoy. I hate the feeling of pity. It's just platitudes. Nobody, nobody realizes what's happening. Yes, yes, even the doctors. It's not fair. For years I could hardly stand it, not thinking that everyone around me would look like a complete idiot every time they opened their mouths, to go through life without a care in the world. Can they understand what that feels like? I'm losing more and more self-esteem and I'm getting more and more angry as I'm losing things. Basically, I have done nothing to deserve this constant mental fatigue and anxiety when I have to talk to people. And I am so angry about it. I don't want different points of view, I don't want myself and I don't want God's absurd justice. He should stop this nonsense about being thankful. I am not responsible for the starving children in Africa, for those who die in wars, for those who have to leave their countries. Is life a lottery? Every day we drown in a lottery of thousands of bullshit. What about the lotteries we are born into? Or the ones we win later? Isn't it terrible that we have to live in it every day? There's no free will. There is only death, and I wait for it, not knowing when it will save me. I miss this feeling I don't know, I want to be reunited with it.