Firstly, if you’re suicidal you should talk to somebody, anybody. It could be your parents, friends, teachers, counselors, and therapists. Mental health is no joke. I think you should stop thinking what your life was like in the past and start thinking about how to move forward. You probably won’t get your past life back and that’s something you’ll have to learn to accept. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk about things :)