Feel like I’m holding myself back with women

Feel like I’m holding myself back with women I’ve had a stutter since I was 5. And didn’t talk till I was 5. So I’ve been dealing with this hyper vigilance and anxiety since then. But every now and then I’ll get attention from women. It’s like they see that I’m quiet and they’ll want to approach me. I’m a tall Carmel skinned black guy who is (fairly attractive) WHEN I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF(depression). Sometimes I can tell which ones like me for some reason. It’s like they avoid you sometimes then all you of a sudden they start talking to you. It’s like an energy you can feel before y’all even break that barrier. Like they want to say something. But when they do I’m always nervous and in my head and trying to be someone I’m not and hiding my stutter, rather than just being myself and being in the moment. It’s like I’m masking and having depersonalization at the same time. My family and other peoples reactions to my stutter in the past kind of plagued how I think about my stutter. Especially my mother. So it’s hard for me to communicate sometimes. It’s like I’d rather be standoffish and an introvert rather than go through that agonizing anxiety. For some reason I stutter like crazy, can barely get words out around my family, but around strangers or acquaintances they can barely tell I even had a stutter. But when I tell them I start stuttering more around them then it’s like, the women I attracted just start ignoring me or it gets awkward. It’s like…maybe if I wasn’t scared and actually took that next step, I woulda got something, but at the same time that’s not my true self, I attracted her with my masked version…..