Content
Clutter speech is ruining my life. Hey I'm 26 years old and I would like to share my experience with clutter speech, how it has affected my self-esteem, my social and professional life, my relationship with my family etc. I'm from Mexico so English is my 2nd language, I'm sorry if I make grammar mistakes. For those who don't know what clutter speech I'll give a little explanation, this post is to share my experience for those who struggle with the same disorder not to explain what it is. Some of the symptoms are: \- fast speech. \- repetition of sounds, words or syllables. \- excessive use of words of phrases such as "uh" "do you know" "like" etc. \- stuttering. \- difficulty saying some words of phrases. \- lack of awareness in some of this symptoms. (Among others) I turned 26 few days ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD very recently, I finished studying clinical psychology almost a year ago, currently I'm working at a call center part time and I'm doing my internship at a public institution of mental health, I watch psycologists perform their therapy, help with paperwork, initial interviews, apply tests etc. My whole life I've struggled communicating, I talk to fast, stutter, ramble, don't realize that people are struggling understanding what I'm saying, use wrong conjugation on verbs, avoid saying some words or phrases, sometimes words with a "c" at the beginning are hard to say etc. I didn't realize I had a problem with my speech until I was in middle school and very recently I realize how big the problem is. Growing up having to deal with being a teenager, school, family and my speech was extremely hard, specially because no one around me told me that what I have is a disorder, I wasn't even diagnosed with ADHD (which is pretty severe as well) everytime I was told to slow down or to think before I speak, I remember trying really hard but no matter what I couldn't speak like everybody else. Getting to know people wasn't something that I struggled, I'm pretty extroverted so I can't help but to speak to people and getting to know them, however, having good communication is difficult, people often just ignore what I'm saying not because they have bad intentions but because they can't understand what I say, a lot of times if I'm in a group of people and I say something that people couldn't understand often times I'll get ignored and people will just move on, sometimes the people will get divided and one of two people will try to continue talking to me. Now that I'm older things socially are a lot better, but back when I was a teenager or in my early twenties I had very few friends and at times talking to people was somewhat scary. I remember growing up I had fantasy where people will just listen to what I was saying, instead I was made fun of, ignored, rejected etc. This destroyed my self-esteem, I was scared of trying out new things because I didn't want to feel badly judge for something else -my speech was enough already-, I thought less of my self so I tried to become good at something and building a personality around that so I could compensate, I tried videogames, sports, music, but what worked the most was to learn about many things from history to philosophy to at least try to show that I was smart and not just an idiot who couldn't speak, still this did not fix the issue at all. When I first started studying at university I first got into international relations, at that time I was 19 and I had no idea I had ADHD, my speech although I knew it was a problem I often ignored the issue and instead sorrounded my self with people who didn't comment on my speech, I lasted a year studying that and it wasn't until I turned 22 that I began studying psychology, I thought that I would get to know psycologists who knew what my problem was but even though I asked to a ton of them no one knew, at least I became aware that I possibly had ADHD but no teacher nor psycologist knew nothing about clutter speech, fast forward I got into this public institution of mental health full of psycologists and psychiatrists and again no one knows about this disorder. Some months ago I had the chance to be at a session with a 14 year old patient who I'm pretty sure has this disorder, the patient said things like "I used to speak normal but now I can't speak normal" "im okay is just I have this thing with my speech" when I heard this I went all the way back when I first realized that I had an issue, I took over that therapy session and began to share my personal experience with this patient, I remember his eyes, there were full with pure happiness because I'm almost 100% sure it was the first time he felt understood on this issue, ngl I felt extremely happy after that, it was like I spoke to myself when I was 14. After that I began to do a lot of research. for many years every time I tried to find information related to this I just googled things in Spanish but since this disorder is so rare I did not find anything, now I tried in English and found a lot of information and testimonies, for some time I felt great because I finally could name what I have. The joy I felt at that time didn't last, now Im really depressed I taking meds for my ADHD but my speech does not improve, even though I have become a lot better at controlling my speech the truth is that I'm still very far away from having this resolved, I still struggle taking to my parents and as a result I don't really talk to them that much, flirting is really hard so my love life is really short to say the least, people still ignore me at times, cashiers and waiters have to ask me multiple times what I want because they can't understand what I say. It's gets worse if Im anxious or stressed, control my speech becomes nearly ex impossible. Now that I know more about this I can't help but to feel very unmotivated, I've struggled with depression before but this feels different I don't feel particularly sad, I just feel overwhelmed I'll work hard on this problem but I can't deny that Im having a lot of suicidal thoughts, having to deal with this when no one around me knows what it is feels terrible. There are many things that Ive left out but I hope someone can relate to some of the things im sharing.