I cringe so hard when I stutter it almost hurts

I cringe so hard when I stutter it almost hurts Only reason I'm alive is because guns are hard to come by in my country. If I had one, I would probably shoot myself at the first stutter, rather than going through the damn conversation. I have good days when I talk like most people, but the bad days are excruciating. I'm a retard who can't say his own name, can't say what time it is, can't say thank you, can't say shit without looking like a weird crazy psycho on drugs. How does one live with this shit?