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Tired if stuttering I'm past the embarrassment. I legit just walk around and stutter in people's faces at this point and the shame of it is gone. I forced myself a few years back to talk every day, buy a coffee, take a bus ride and so on. Every day I'd embarrass myself but every day my skin grew a little thicker. I'm proud of myself for that. However, now when I go and ask for a coffee and so on. I'll stutter/block and my face will contort and I'll look and sound like I'm the victim of an ongoing exorcism and the shame is not there but the apathy is. These moments represent everything I hate. They stop me from being the man I want to be. I want to be an outstanding orator. I want to be charismatic and good with my words. I'll never be that though and every day I'm reminded of it. Do not get all wishy washy on me and say 'you can be whatever you want to be' that's a fairytale you still cling to and maybe with sheer ignorant self belief you'll make it. But I know what I need. I don't just stutter, I block. I pull ugly faces. The only way to be the man I want to be is to cure myself of that and that isn't going to happen. Well I tried. I thought after the shame went away I'd be able to live to with it, but actually when you're not so focused on the shame, you just left to focus on yourself and you can't help notice just how shit you sound. I always get offended now when people say 'what?' at a store lmao. I've said it once and that was difficult, how are you gonna ask me to say it again?.. Brb, gonna learn sign language and be all white girl "spiritual" and take a vow of silence because distant planets have aligned and my star sign demands it. God is evil . He helps tennis players and football players win tournaments but he can't spare a millisecond to take my stutter away. I obviously don't love him enough.