I feel your pain, not being able to fully participate in a society is torturing at times. We're not really meant to be lonely, solitary, silent creatures. However it sounds like a large chunk of your pain comes from intense self loathing and not others actively putting you down. The very familiar 😒 face that hurts our fragile egos is actually not that malicious, it's just a natural bitch face response we make to unexpected situations that puts the requirement of effort on us. I noticed this on myself and another person when talking to my son's friend at the kindergarten who was making a loooong windy sentences mixed with stops, unclear words and most likely nonsensical meaning. It takes a lot of effort to listen, decipher what toddler is saying and then figure out they meant by. Both me and the teacher that was there had this "get-to-it face" by the end even though we meant nothing bad by it. It's just really a lot of work on the listener and in today's world of short attention spans and hurry to switch to the next distraction stuttering is requiring some brain power to process which many people don't bother to do. So even though stuttering is even more mentally taxing I think it's important to look at situations with more empathy and not adversarity. We can't project our annoyance on the listener when we are actually annoyed by our own speech. We can be inventive by easing this tension with a joke, rhyme, smile or whatever is appropriate. We're not toddlers so we can assume at least partial responsibility for making it easier for the listener. You are not a burden to others even if your speech is sometimes flawed, there are so many things that you can do. Focus on what gives you more confidence and enjoyment. Maybe you have not discovered that many of those yet, since you're still young, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I myself tended to always gravitate to activities, studies and career options which were talking-heavy, which sometimes lead me to a lot of grief and negative feelings due to stuttering (Maybe it's like an obsession for us, to want to do things we literally can't?). Now I pick my activities and social situations more carefully by gauging the level of confidence I'm feeling as well as my actual interest, that I'm now in my early 30s am more aware of. Because for smooth-talkers it's easy to blend in any situation and wing it but for us social interactions are hard mental work and we want to spend it more conservatively, on things we actually love doing. Those are a few thoughts I got when reading your very well written yet very dark post. Feel free to reach out if you need anything!