I don't mean to be rude, but have you really not spoken to anyone else about this? About the real reason? If not, I sincerely recommend that you find someone to share this kind of thing with. Could be a professional, but doesn't have to be. Feeling alone is not a good place to be, so do reach out. Text online doesn't have quite the same impact, but it's a start. If you don't communicate about the _truth_, you're never going to get that resolution you need.