That’s the way I felt at your age. Sort of the way I feel now. I’m 50. I like the way you expressed the desperation but also the sprinkling of LOLs like “Wtf why me it’s so bassackwards retarded it’s funny, sort of”. My suggestion if you haven’t done it already: find a live support group where you see other people stutter in person or maybe create one on meetup if that isn’t too daunting (?). This is a stigmatizing affliction that often causes overreaction by its sufferers and extreme isolation. My 2 cents: You don’t need too many people, 1or 2 enough, and think of fluency as a continuum rather than binary. Based on your writing you observe closely and notice things and can express them - that’s a form of fluency that many people don’t have. Focus on identifying your own ways to convey feelings and information rather than trying to “pass” as a non-stutterer. Try to work with that negative voice (I call mine “The Orc”) so it isn’t quite so mean. You’re building on the life that you actually have not the one you want or see in movies, so pls be kind to yourself. Tell The Orc that you understand it’s rage and fear but that it needs to give you some room to find a place for yourself. Over time you can find survival tools and take pride in those tools but The Orc needs to give you room to do that. Hope this is helpful but if it isn’t don’t waste time or effort on it - be ruthless about caring for yourself.