Worn down, unable to achieve self-acceptance

Worn down, unable to achieve self-acceptance Now I am older, I don't have any interactions that feel like big traumatic wounds to be replayed over and over again as a result of having a speech impediment. Instead, it's more like coming to the realisation that every small daily interaction follows the same pattern and that this wears me down slowly inside, like a stone being crushed to nothingness in the ocean. I am completely desensitised to these interactions in one regard but equally I am still not resilient enough to not be impacted by them. Sometimes I realise that I never get to have a conversation where I am not interrupted, where people don't automatically finish my sentence for me or become impatient with me and completely move on and talk over me. I get asked almost every day invasive questions about why I am not good at speaking fluently - they assume I am certainly not even fluent in a language I have spoken for 20 years because of the way I speak and derail my day to probe me. I'm not confident enough to articulate any defence of myself or to assert myself in these situations so I just burn up and stay silent. I can feel the instant that somebody is speaking with me and they realise there is something wrong. Their entire face changes and they either soften or they lurch back into their own feeling of awkwardness or impatience. Either way, that moment builds a wall between us where getting them to view me as their equal goes from the default to an uphill battle. I realise that I go to great lengths to avoid speaking. I run away from every situation that can be circumvented entirely and recoil in shame by the end of the ones that can't be. I really want to be the type of person who can just confront the reality of the situation and be honest and place myself into any situation I would otherwise wish to - but actually there is some mental block to doing so that feels bigger than any physical block that occurs when speaking and I find myself feeling as if I constantly carry around a heavy balloon in my lungs that is on the edge of bursting or some type of clock in my heart that ticks too fast. There is an expectation that one will outgrow a speech impediment. Every year that this expectation is not met, the urgent concern and that hope that you will grow out of it is completely crushed. Even now, this frustration that I didn't outgrow it is evident whenever I try to have conversations with my family but the frustration is just as evident as their frustration that I don't try to have conversations. I don't know how to deal with this feeling of shame because I also feel angry that even my closest family are unable to accept the way I speak and listen to what I am saying - there are few people who seem to be able to do this. Actually, I realise that people, myself included, are so focused on how I speak that what I am saying doesn't matter. I know it must be possible to accept myself how I am, now that I fully accept that I can't fully rid myself of a stutter, because otherwise the only alternative is to accept that I will never communicate fully with anyone. I don't have the maturity to act upon this and I don't really know how people reach this type of self-acceptance. I want to be positive but I am very depressed. This is the last great hurdle for me in trying to live in a completely truthful and regretless type of way.