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Dread. Grad school is something I’ve *really* wanted for a long time. Despite having several things working against my application, I worked my ass to get into a prestigious program, and I’m super excited to start on Tuesday! HOWEVER. During the admission process, I met my supervisor twice over Skype for an interview (was out of the country so I couldn’t meet in person). I was so nervous when I saw her that I hid my stutter completely during the interview, despite telling myself I’d be open about it. So twice she’s spoken to me online and hasn’t heard a single stutter. I’m fluent in her mind. But on Tuesday I’m going to meet her in person finally, along with the rest of the lab members. I plan on revealing my stutter to them, I’m not willing to be a covert stutter around them for years. But even the thought of that fills me with utter dread. She’ll greet me, start talking, expecting a normal conversation like the two Skype convos we had. But then I’ll open my mouth and let out a stream of broken syllables. I can imagine the expression of confusion on her face, not knowing how to react. If I’d always stuttered it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But I’ve had multiple *completely* fluent conversations with her in the past, so she’s going to be completely taken back. I can’t stop thinking about Tuesday. I stay up all night filled with dread, I can’t focus on my work during the day, it’s on my mind 24/7. Everyday I inch closer towards it. I can’t just straight up mention it to her either. I’m still working on stuttering openly around people, I’m *nowhere* near the point where I can talk about it with strangers. Even telling her in advance over text is not something I’d be willing to do.