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It's hard to say it in words Ahh, it's not easy to say that I feel now and how I see myself and my stutter, but one I can say - it is just bulllshit, total nonsense. How others react to it and how I react to it, it's bullshit, total nonsense. If they react in a negative way I see it and yea.. Actually my problem or what I see now is how little control I have over my life.. I didn't ask to be put in this body, I didn't ask for my miserable childhood and I didn't ask the feelings I experience while I interact with others... I didn't ask for it, but yet I got them. Who would in the right mind would wish to have these problems or feelings. Today I had to do a performance with my class and after it I went from the stage to where the audience were and herd my classmate say "Ernest, he is like the grey mouse, who walks in and doesn't know what's going on.." It hurt a little, but afterwards I felt free, free from having to be liked and all of that social shit, not that I have any objections of it but still. I felt totally free, I reflected about what happened today and saw the causes for this misery, and I concluded that I really had no fucking control of what whas happening. Some tought bad toughts about me, I saw why they would have a reason to think them and so.. it just happened it was my fault - I created the circumstances for them to occur. I saw them and I saw myself, I saw that all of what was happening was total nonsense over witch I really had no control over. It's my life, but I didn't choose it, I didn't choose it to be so miserable. Hahahhahha, there is absolutely nothing I can say anymore than this - bullshit, total nonsense.