Thank you for sharing and pouring out your heart and feelings here. I just turned 30 this year and I similarly have a blocking stutter, which I've had for as long as I can remember too. It's been extraordinarily frustrating for me but I've endured. I've frequently felt that I could have been a much different and I'm sure a much more charming and personable individual without it. And that I should have been, but I know I can't live in fantasies and what-ifs because they're more detrimental than helpful. I imagine you probably similarly stay in your head a lot like me if you had very vocal, alpha immediate family. It may just be because of my inability to speak as freely as I'd like, but I generally feel like I'm a very high functioning thinker and writer and wish I could just speak my mind the way I so desperately desire. But, maybe without the specific circumstances I find myself in, and without the annoying obstacle to deal with, I'd not be as articulate as I'd hoped I'd be. I'm sorry you're struggling, dude. I really am. Because I've struggled all my life and intimately know the gut-wrenching, agonizing feelings that come with all this crap. Peaks and valleys all the time. Right now, and for the past few weeks, my speech has been less fluent and it aggravates me. My mom's visiting me right now too and i find my speech is usually worse when she's around. Like you, I can't stand being around or hearing other folks with a stutter. I feel terrible about it, but it just burns my insides being reminded I guess by it. Some failing in myself. Real talk though, I'm all in all a pretty happy and healthy guy. I'm a programmer by trade and despite my speech, I love talking with and collaborating with others. You've probably heard it a million times before but I'd venture that your blocking is a bigger issue to you than it is to anybody else in the world. Because it's you and it's your speech after all. So it's magnified a million times over. You've got a magnifying glass on yourself all the time and that kind of intense attention and self awareness / self deprecation is a vicious downward spiral. Like a snake turning in on itself, eating its own tail. I've struggled over the last decade a bit with drugs and I'll tell you the biggest epiphany I've had with them, which I'm supremely grateful for, is that I only need to speak and speaking in and of itself is enough. Essentially just the thought that if only you just open your mouth and speak your truth, that's enough. Don't pressure yourself. You know how to speak through muscle memory so trust yourself and let go. Apologies for the long and rambling reply (writing this after a long day on a tablet!); I just really wanted to tell you that I strongly empathize with you. We've been fighting a similar battle. I'd love to chat with you more if you're willing and maybe share some war stories, notes, etc. Be good to yourself; continue trying to find yourself and what truly makes you calm and content; and do your best to not live in the what-ifs, which just aren't healthy and can't help you on your journey.