You don't have to live with that pain. You have to live with the stutter, but there are people who will and who wish to help you. Getting in to see a therapist is hard - When I was at my worst times, I'd still have to wait a few weeks to see a therapist for an intake and by then, I would be out of that deep rut and then cruising along on level ground. However, once I was in, I had that therapist there for me when I hit the next deep rut. Therapy, whatever way works for you.. talk, phone, email, working out at the gym, talking with people who can give you themselves and their time to listen work very well for people. Speech therapy can help too. I had speeh therapy in school and to be honest, it became more mental health therapy than speech therapy once I was a teen and it was clear my stutter wasn't going away. You can live with a stutter. People who don't let you? You don't need to let them into your life. Walk away from them. If you can't physically remove them from your life, techniques that you can learn in therapy, such as grey rocking, can help keep them from damaging your life. You already know you can't get your childhood back, but your adulthood does not need to be miserable. Please reach out to those around you, reach out to therapist that is in your area or even online with online therapy. Even resources such as [7cupsoftea.com](https://7cupsoftea.com), which is a free platform that connects you with active listeners who are volunteers, may provided some insight into your thoughts and feelings. I urge you to explore these feelings and thoughts, and to turn your thoughts towards healing. The scars'll be there, you're absolutely right about that and you'll never be what you can not be.. but you can be a happier, more content, version of you.. with a stutter.