Hello! I'm a 25 yr old in the US, trying to come to terms with the nature of my condition. Here's my little story of very high anxiety, depression, and the search for what resources could be right for me. It's really been something so far and I'm happy to put it out there, share, and get feedback

Hello! I'm a 25 yr old in the US, trying to come to terms with the nature of my condition. Here's my little story of very high anxiety, depression, and the search for what resources could be right for me. It's really been something so far and I'm happy to put it out there, share, and get feedback Ok, I will try my best to describe the situation. Not sure where to begin but here it goes... I've always had this problem since I was a kid. The first time in memory of it coming up was in social studies class in sixth grade....I had some anxiety when it was my turn to read out loud...I got into the second paragraph of the three paragraphs I was supposed to read when the word "original" came up. Things were more or less fluid until that moment but when I opened my mouth to make the "O" sound, I got stuck....just.....stuck......like...why won't it come out?? I kind of just started looking around and my anxiety flew through the roof, the teacher said the word for me, then I said it immediately after and continued to finish out what I had to read. That is the first concrete memory I have of the problem, although there seems to be cloudy memories of me being incredibly socially anxious in 4th, 5th grade. This is all in stark contrast to memories I have of proudly reading aloud in 2nd grade or so. Ever since then, I've avoided reading in front of people at all costs. A noticeable impediment has been in my speech all these years, whether speaking aloud by myself, or in conversation to varying degrees that is proportionate to how anxious/not anxious I am at any given moment. The thing is...I can orate pretty well one-on-one and even in groups of people if I am calm. I actually run into hiccups or "trigger words," lets call them, and I've conditioned myself to work around them by changing the flow of the sentence or clause, picking another word to say, using hand movement/body language to help myself flow along. Off the top of my head it'll be words like "original," "accompany," "recollect," "remember," "anonymous." I'm not sure how to specify a common trend among words that'll trip me up, just that it has to do with certain consonant/vowel transitions. Some examples as of late: 1) I entered into a 12 step recovery program about two years ago (used regularly since the age of 12 which I think has something to do with all this for sure), and introducing myself as "I'm Andrew, I'm an alcoholic" i'll get caught up on my own name (something that has happened on the phone, when asked my name in class, telling my name at a coffee shop, etc...) and on the word "alcoholic." There was one time I introduced myself as we were going around the room and I said "Hey, I'm Andrew, I'm an a......……." and my mouth just hung open. I couldn't get it out. 2) Similar situation, I deliberately went to a 12 step meeting out of my normal area with an "I'm gonna nip this in the bud attitude," determined to annunciate and get through it...started reading a part of the preliminary introductory literature and it was just an absolute wreck. I just had to forfeit, it really sucked. 3)Telling a friend walking down the street about my recent trip to Canada where a rental car company filed a police report against me, I got stuck on the word "report." My friend became uncomfortable and said the word for me, to which I responded, "yeah, 'report." Sometimes i'll know that a word is coming, whether its a particularly anxiety-inducing situation or not and just allow myself to get to it, breathe and work through it seemingly seamlessly, the point at which it'd normally be a no-go, I just become determined to keep it rolling. I've practiced reading whatever non-fiction or novel im reading at the time out loud in my bedroom or sitting out somewhere, where there is absolutely no anxiety and I can establish a continuity that is completely uninterrupted, and there are things that come up that present their own hiccup in a way, but I kind of just barrel through it/keep it rolling. This is why I think that anxiety/fear of people is the major culprit because I can read out loud a few chapters of a novel in my room and have it come across the way I'd dream it would in front of a group of people. I started going back to school in fall 2019 to start doing prerequisites for a nursing program, told my English instructor about the problem who was totally sympathetic and gave the option to present my final paper in front of a small group of people or possibly only her. She also got me in touch with the communications director who heard me out and put me in touch with his personal counselor. What ensued: a ton of counselor/therapy shopping which I commend myself for very much. I saw several anxiety counselors or straight up pathologists who all said they more or less didn't know how to help me. I FINALLY found an older gentleman who was working with me who approached the situation from multiple directions, gave me very touching advice, "this will never deter your academic career," (brought a tear to my eye), and on the 4th or 5th session he fell asleep on me. Yes, you read that right, the motherfucker fell asleep on me. Needless to say I didn't go back. This happened in November, a side note: shortly before I met this counselor, my mom passed, between serving part time, school, A.A., running, trying to be well, I withdrew from my classes and drove the car I inherited across the country. After a two month trip im back in my hometown, re-enrolled in two of the four classes I started in the fall, and am fairly content making consistent, manageable progress. My main opponents now: I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression and the addition of this speech impediment is something I HATE sometimes....it gets thrust out of the reasonable/logical part of my mind that deems it something ill "use as fuel" to succeed or "something ill work through slowly but surely," and right into the part of my brain that says "Fuck this shit I wish I could just fucking speak." I'm willing to keep chipping away at the problem but it is very hard sometimes and I often feel defeated and hopeless. I would very much appreciate any feedback. New to this sub and I plan on perusing and trying to get in the solution. Thank for reading.