Hi. I just wanted to say, I feel what you've said very strongly. It's kind of a comfort to read your post actually. I have a stutter too (or 'stammer' as I call it) and I've had it since I was a child. I don't remember getting explicitly bullied for it at school, but I was never treated like other people were. Always there was some subtle difference in how people treated me compared to others. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all that bullying as a kid. I hope you don't feel like it was your fault and that you know you didn't deserve it. Even if you said weird things you just said because it was the only thing that would come out, maybe that was all you could have done in that moment - and it doesn't mean you deserve to be bullied. I think one huge reason why it sucks so much having a stutter is because no one tells you how to deal with it. There's not enough research on it or support for it. It's still in debate whether it's hereditary or not(!) Also, my parents didn't take me to therapy until I was past the minimum age that kids with stutters are supposed to go to therapy before it becomes kind of 'fixed'. My dad has a stutter - ever since he was a kid he's had one. Even my mum's brother stuttered when he was a kid, but he got therapy and it was sorted. And still, neither of them took me to speech therapy when I was first stuttering at less than 6 years old. It would have been free, as we lived in the UK where there is the NHS. Part of me will never forgive my parents for this.. It hurts so much to think about what could have been sometimes. But I've come to accept lately that things are the way they are now. All I can shape now is where I go from here. In fact, **something that held me back for** ***so*** **long was not just the stutter, but my inability to let go of these 'what ifs', these better scenarios that could have played out but didn't.** I kept hanging onto the irrational belief that 'it'll go away with age', thinking I'd become more confident as I got older, as if by magic! But taking that passive stance in my life actually made me worse off. It allowed my stammer, which I couldn't control, to take control of what direction my life took. I didn't make any active effort to better myself or to expand my comfort zone, and I became trapped in a very small comfort zone that I'm still working day after day to drag myself out of... This comfort zone became my normal for most of my life; not going out, not speaking to anyone, living with my parents, avoiding sending off job applications (because 'why bother?' I thought), having no friends... Being lonely, feeling like a failure, having no job, being depressed and crippled with social anxiety was my NORMAL. And I felt completely alone in my experience because, apart from my dad & sister, and people at some group speech therapy sessions, I've never encountered another stutterer in person!! It's likely because people who stutter don't like to talk, so it's hard to encounter anyone with a stutter and know they have one. I'm sorry for going on.. I haven't talked to many people about this... I hope it's a comfort if anything to hear that I get your frustration, your pain, how sh\*t it is having a stutter. One bit of advice I would like to give to you, take it or leave it, is to let go of the what ifs, and accept that you stutter. It is sh\*t having a stutter, but I don't think it always has to be. At the start, it's normal to mourn for the loss of a 'socially acceptable' identity as someone who can fluently speak. But then we need to start building after that. Accept your situation for what it is, and go from there. You can have therapy for your speech and anxiety, maybe it'll help (and for many it does), but I think the starting point has to be acceptance of the fact that you have a stammer and that it is part of you as a person - otherwise there will always be a conflict in you. I hope this helps. I'm sorry if I sound assuming on anything. I wanted to give you this bit of advice because I recognise some of my own struggles around stuttering in what you've shared. I really wish you recovery and hope in life again ❤️ Q: I am curious also, is your stammer constant (everytime you talk even when you are alone) or is it just when you speak to people?