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my disability has defeated me. i (22f) have stuttered all my life. it never caused me problems growing up, i was never bullied because of my stutter (i even had friends in my childhood and i am so grateful for that). but of course, some people still treated me like i was weird or not worthy of their time, but it never really bothered or hurt me back then. i was a child after all, a dumb and careless child. at the age of 11-12 i think, i became super aware of my stutter and slowly but surely, i lost all the confidence and happiness i once had. and i still feel lost, when it comes to my stutter. it’s always there. no matter what i do, it’s just there. it destroyed my life. my stutter has stolen my innocence, my dreams and hopes. it’s like a parasite in my brain, consuming me entirely. as soon as i start talking, the only thing people notice is my stutter. as soon as i start having blocks or repeating words, people stop giving a shit about what i have to say. they stop giving a shit about me, they stop trying to see me. i hate the fake and shallow patience in their faces (they all make the same face too, even my therapist did that face, like it’s almost funny how they all try to hide their annoyance just to feel better about themselves), i hate having to act like i’m reserved and cold and uninterested, as if i don’t like talking or participating in conversations that much. that’s not who i am. i don’t want to suppress my personality, but it has so much power over me, it’s eating me alive, little by little, against my will. my stutter is the source of all my failures and problems. i keep blaming my traumatic past and my mental disorders and think they are holding me back, but no, the truth is, none of my disorders would exist, if i was born normal. my stutter destroys every little happiness and hope i feel, every achievement, it’s like a slap in the face, every single time. i don’t know if i will ever be able to face it, i can’t accept the fact that most people won’t ever see me as an equal or truly listen to me and my words. i often imagine how better my life would be if i suffered from other disabilities, that are more accepted by society. stuttering is not only extremely uncommon, it’s also repulsive to most people. i mean, how often do you see people bragging about it and saying "i have a stutter, i’m so quirky uwu"..? never, right lol? because no one wants to be in our position. it’s not cute, it’s not unique in a good way, it’s just a repulsive disability. i keep telling myself that one day, things will get better. one day, i will regain my confidence back, one day i will speak fluently, i will be free, like everyone else. i dream of the day when i’ll wake up and just speak like a normal human being. it hurts. my reality hurts. i wish i only had to deal with my mental health. i wish i had never existed in the first place, but unfortunately, my mother gave birth to such a disgusting and useless being like me. it hurts so much. there is no hope, no future for people like me. i’m sorry if i hurt you all with my harsh words (and i’m happy for everyone, who has found a way to live a fulfilling life, despite stuttering), but that’s just how i feel and think (about myself). my stutter is the first thing most people will think of, when i cross their mind. they will laugh and gossip, bully me behind my back, while faking their kindness and their interest in me when interacting with me. people will reject me, i will never have beautiful, long lasting and deep friendships, i will never be able to play video games with my non existent friends, i will never be able to order my own food at a restaurant, i will never be respected in my workplace (if i ever find a proper job lol). i will never be able to fulfill my stupid dreams. i wish i was exaggerating, but these kind of experiences have shaped my reality for the past 10 years. i will always be dependent on others, on people who don’t even try to understand or see me. it’s so limiting, humiliating and so isolating. for as long as i can remember, i’ve been fighting and trying a hundred times harder than others, in every aspect of my worthless life, and yet, i’m still a burden to others. i’ve been in the same fucking place for 22 years and i have to live such a pathetic life until the day i die. ..why does life have to be so unfair? why do i feel so weak and old, as if i’m on my death bed, when i’m only 22 years old? shouldn’t i be full of life at my age, passionate, carefree, confident and happy, isn’t that what youth is all about? why is god making me suffer so much? i don’t get it. why me? i’m so tired. i am not as strong as i used to be. i can’t lie to myself and believe in those lies, like i used to. my dreams, my delusional wishes and everything i fight for are becoming emptier as i get older. i don’t want to play this never ending game anymore. it’s like the whole world is against me and i have to fight, all alone, for the rest of my life, while others always have the option to rest, to have fun, to love and live normal lives. i am sick of trying to come across as normal, sick of hiding the most obvious thing about myself, sick of distancing myself from every living being. i am literally rotting, surrounded by imaginary walls, but these walls that were meant to protect me, are now suffocating me. it’s comical. my existence is a joke.