It robs me of all joy due to severe anxiety - drugs have shown me how AMAZING life could be

It robs me of all joy due to severe anxiety - drugs have shown me how AMAZING life could be Hey guys, 18 year old girl. This is a bit of an odd one, but I'd really appreciate you reading this as I have never told a soul about my speech issues and consequent anxiety/depression. I have always been nihilistic and have settled on a tragically subpar existence, but after experiencing beautiful, perfect, effortless speech on MDMA and shrooms, I have been shown that not only am I missing out on absolutely amazing communication in life (it can be great and not scary to talk to strangers, the fuck? Seriously, the fuck?!?!) but that my brain is capable of fluent speech. Sure, drug experiences aren't real life, but I have a right to feel highly sentimental and inspired by this revelation. Dopamine/seratonin-wise, the MDMA high is essentially just you being in an extremely good mood, free of anxiety and depression. Caffeine helps both my anxiety, related symptoms (dissociation/out-of-body shit) and my depression. So, I feel like meditation or breathing or whatever to help anxiety/depression could help my speech. What I mean is, I am SO reluctant to go down the path of "this is genetic, you'll never cure it". Whatever it is, it's absolutely non-existent when I'm my most happiest and relaxed (never when sober), and I know that my horrific anxious repsonse is causing it for the most part. My stutter is mainly a block/feeling literally mute when my anxiety is high. When I have to speak to anyone, my heart starts pounding, my thoughts disappear and I absolutely cannot initiate the speech. I deal with this by saying something "safe" that I can just about get out, but it means that people see me as an awkward, weird person who doesn't relate well to others, as they never actually see the stutter OR the intelligent/funny stuff I have to say. I know I need to change my denial about stuttering and should just be brave and say what I want, regardless of whether I feel the stuttering coming on, but that is fucking easier said than done. I am a conventionally very attractive girl and am totally NOT dealing with people seeing me severely stuttering on a word. No way. It's a disability and they are never seeing that, especially when I can just about bear this unfulfilled life of never revealing much about myself/conversing properly and can AVOID them knowing I have this horrible issue. What I want to change - I have SEVERE anxiety issues, as the above paragraph shows. It is my entire existence. As I can speak perfectly to myself, and when drunk (sometimes) or on drugs, I know that a lot of my speech blocks are caused by anxiety and the fact that I've trained myself to *expect* to block when talking to others. The anxious response that my body goes through is agony and I shouldn't have to have my life ruined by this. When in class, I get so scared that I may be picked on and could be completely mute. This is so, so terrifying for me that I sit there and think "how do I know I WOULD be able to speak if I was picked on?". I start shaking and my heart goes crazy. I think, "FUCK, I bet I will be mute if I am picked on now". Often, I feel totally tingly and out of body and experience derealisation.I feel like I'm stoned but it's terrifying. The thought of "if I had to speak now I MAY be mute and unable, and other people would SEE that" triggers an intense attack. I need help to stop this state of being happening. I am looking into meditation and deep breathing. I don't think I want therapy and don't want drugs.. I would abuse them. I'd abuse anything that made me feel vaguely good, because I only ever feel shit. It wouldn't end well. I'm drawn to highs and minor/major relief too much. Even non-opioid anxiety meds would be a big No for me. I'm also in a deep depression because, on top of this ruining my life and robbing me of literally all joy (as I am always TERRIFIED about my speech, always), I am a *closet lesbian*. I will never have the courage to come out because it seems like a joke, considering myself anyone who could ever date anyone else. I'm attractive and feminine, but I know who I am and how LITTLE of that I will ever be able to share, due to my stutter, so I'd never be able to pursue a woman anyway. Ever. So, I live 50% of a life due to my anxiety (caused by stutter), and this is reduced to 25% because I will never, ever experience a relationship with a girl due to embarrassment about being gay AND the anxiety/stutter issue. I know I severely need help but I want to help myself first. Or try. Please give me advice. Is the extremely severe anxiety based on "how do I know I'd be able to produce sound if I had to????!!!" a panic attack? Can meditation help? I don't want speech therapy... better speech will come if I improve this severe anxiety spiral of despair. That, I know. I am actually okay in some sober situations. It all depends on my mood. I need to learn how to snap out of that horrible anxious state that causes blocking. Thank you so much. I am so desperate guys.