I think I could be happy if I didn't stutter (long read)

I think I could be happy if I didn't stutter (long read) Now I am sitting in my workplace and crying. I am a 24 year old man with a good job and stable income. I don't have much problems going on in my life (at least serious ones). I excercise, eat healthy, have a lot of hobbies, have friends, have ambitions, goals and dreams. I often feel like my life is actually good or at least I can make it good if I will put enough effort. That's exactly how I have felt in the last three days: I was confident, I was inspired, I was energized, I was ambitious - I felt like I am actually worth something and as though I have a bright future ahead of me. Now I don't believe that actually was me - it feels like that was completely different person. "What happened ?" you could ask. "Did you lose something valuable to you?" "Did someone do something bad to you?" "Did just something important go wrong?". I will answer that question, but a little bit later. I have always thought why do I love be alone and watch movies instead of hanging out with friends? Why my dream job is to work from home without any need to interact with people? Why do I prefer texting instead of calling while many people definitely prefer giving a call instead of sending a message? Some may say it is because I am a sociopath or because I am an introvert. But why I am a sociopath or an introvert? I think I know the answer. The answer is pretty obvious - I stutter. Some may say "So what? It is not a big deal" but it is. It is a big deal for me. It has been a big deal for me for as long as I remember and it doesn't get better. Here how it goes - I am trying to have a chill conversation, make jokes, be an interesting person, be a good listener but what I do the most, where I put most of my energy in is trying to not stutter. I am conscious of it all the time: I have to choose the right words, the right tempo, I have to breath in the right way, all of that just to pretend I am a healthy human being, equal to others and not some genetic mistake which shouldn't exist in the first place. But no matter how I try sooner or latter I will stutter and when that happens I feel ashamed. It is not a secret even a healthy person can start to stammer while feeling shame but when a sick man like me feels shame it pretty quickly turns into a catastrophe. To not stutter I have to beilieve in myself but it is hard to be confident in that situation because to be confident you have to feel power to control things and how can you be confident when you don't even have power over your own speech apparatus (while 99% of population do). So the the less confident I get the more I stutter. The more I stutter the less confident I become. The less I believe in myself. It is like a snowball and by the end of the conversation I feel devastated. I feel weak. I feel like shit. I feel disgusted by myself and want to help the planet to get rid of me. Now I think it is obvious why I am not a big fan of hanging out with friends or just with people (especially in big companies) - sooner or later I will start stutter TOO much which kills all the fun for me and I just spend the rest of the evening completely devastated and disheartened. There can't be no fun in that. It is completely another story when I, let's say, have a day off and I stay home alone all day. I don't see and don't speak to anyone for 24 hours. Everytime that happens I feel like a king of the world. I feel like I can do anything I will put my mind into, I feel creative, I believe in myself (and it is not just a feeling - I actually do something productive) - sometimes I can even say I feel happy. Please, note that it is not necessary for anything good to happen that day - all what is needed for me is to forget I basically can't speak. So that's exactly how I have been feeling for the last 3 days - I felt like a king... up to this moment. Though the last two days were my working days and my work includes a lot of talking (ironically) I somehow managed to avoid stammering as much as possible but not today. Today everything went bad from the very beginning. I was stuttering really bad. Of course no one told me anything but I noticed this: immidiately after the conversation was over I felt like shit, as though the previous 3 days didn't exist. Just 5 minutes ago I was full of will to live and now I am sitting here, write this text and cry because of realization what a piece of shit I am and that it will never get better. I will never achieve goals I set for myself and I never will be happy as long as I stammer even if these goals will be achieved. People are afraid of public speaking because they are scared to say something wrong. Boys are afraid to meet girls because they are scared to say something stupid or not to know what to say or just not be able to say anything at all to her because they all know that feeling when you fuck up at least a slightest during a conversation. Now imagine yourself seriously fucking up in front of your crush every time you speak to her. And you speak to her every day. Or imaging fucking up public speakings every goddamn day. Though even in these examples you have at least hope to better prepare yoursef for the next presentation or forget about your crush and just speak to girls you feel comfortable with. I have hope for nothing. My only hope is to find a job where I wouldn't have to speak with people on the daily basis (which is almost impossible in my country and with my skills) or to win lotter and never work again at all but even then there is no place for IRL friends. You would think if you experience these fuck ups every day you get used to them but it couldn't be futher from truth - it makes me feel like a mistake in my 24 as well as it did when I was 15, only as years pass on I have less and less hope...