Well, this is a Catch 22 for you because everything in you tells you to avoid, yes? But the more you avoid the worse it gets. There are some things where we will help ourselves by doing the very opposite of what our self-protective instincts tell us to do. This is one of those things. Some kind of exposure therapy -- any kind; self-imposed, or with the help of a therapist or stuttering group or an intensive stuttering program that involves self-acceptance and exposure -- will likely change your life. It might be too frightening right now to the point where it's just not possible. I don't know. But I would tell you that if one cell in your body tells you that you must do this, please listen to that one cell. Because it is correct and it's screaming at you, begging you to do this. The fact that you do not talk to your family or your partner about such an enormous thing that is crushing your soul is huge. Now you do not say that, for instance, at one time you tried to talk to them and they just laughed at you. Maybe this did happen, and in that case, pardon me, but screw them. But you don't mention that so I am guessing that you have no idea how they would react. If you can possibly find just enough courage to talk to them, you may find that that is the beginning of a major shift in your life. Stuttering is a cruel neurological condition that can utterly rule our lives. But many people find that if they can start to do the things that are most scary to them, they build a kind of immunity to the fear. And that frees them in a way that they never thought possible before. Right now you're in the cave (Plato's cave, I mean), where you cannot imagine the freedom that I'm talking about. But I so hope you can find a path toward doing these things that currently feel impossibly scary. You so deserve that. You so deserve not to be in the isolated hell you describe. <3