Hi there, let me first say that I'm sorry that you feel this way. I read your story and everything is SO recognizable. I'm 45 years old. I tried controlling it for 45 years but I just can't. I've gotten to a point of accepting, sort of. I still feel pain (this deep emotional pain) sometimes, even on a daily basis. For example when I'm doing groceries and I'm talking/stuttering to a nice person. Or when I'm with my friends and out of all the things I have to say, some brief recap escapes from my mouth. It's always frustrating and it made me to the person I am today. YET, - without wanting to come over as theatrical - I have this burning fire inside of me: I DESERVE fun, I DESERVE love, I DESERVE happiness and I will not ever stop reaching for these goals. I'm afraid I can't answer your question, however I do know that you must not let your stuttering define you. Much love from the Netherlands!