I'm very sorry to hear you had to experience all of that. I know how complicated it is when you know your parent is a good person and loves you, but just doesn't have it in them to really be the parent you need. It's great that you're already realizing that none of what your mom said has anything to do with you. I was definitely a few years older than you when I realized. As some have suggested, it would help to talk to a therapist. I started seeing one this year and it's helped a lot. If you're in school, your insurance might cover it or sometimes schools even have people you can talk to free of charge.