missing great opportunities, over and over again

missing great opportunities, over and over again trying so hard all the time. moved away from my hometown and got a job in the city, found real friends, loving people, i'm independent. yet i'm 23 and still not in college, working dead end jobs. quit my last waitressing job because of a shitty boss and too much stress. got an opportunity for a great job and move towards counseling and saving up for college. all i had to do was make a phone call on time. i postponed making that phone call, for one day, for three days, for five days. panic attacks whenever i would look at that phone number. and it's just talking to someone! nothing is going to kill me! then why is my body reacting to it like i'm going to die? finally made it, barely got out the words, the person thanked me for calling but said that i was too late, they already hired two people only two days ago. had to deal with shame and defeat. that's okay, there'll be more jobs and opportunities. but this is a representation of my whole life, postponing everything because of fear. not using my talents because of fear of talking. underestimating my intellectual abilities because of my fear of talking. not telling a great story because of that fear. deliberately not speaking up and standing up for myself because i can't utter the words. spending a fortune on therapy, hypnosis, speech doctors.. envying people my age who are in colleges, holding presentations, being heard. envy, envy, envy. looking at my loved ones speak and feeling inadequate despite them openly supporting me. i try so hard and yet i keep finding myself in this dark pit, over and over again. everyone has something fucked up about their life, i know, i just didn't think that i would be fighting this for so long and it seems like i'll be fighting it for the rest of my life. it feels like cancer but in the sense of communication, relationships, life opportunities. "your tics are actually cute" "you're a pretty girl, people find that charming!" "why does it bother you so much" "oh i've heard a lot worse" "i stutter too when i'm nervous"... can't listen to it anymore. tired of fighting, i'm angry and worn out and sad. but what else do i do besides just....moving on. fought too hard to allow myself to go back to being suicidal. sending love to everyone struggling