I'm a stutterer (M26) whose stutter has become more intense due to what I believe are the stressful situations of adulthood. I understand you're venting, so if you're looking for advice from someone in a similar struggle continue to read. If not, I understand. It's tough and I completely understand your thoughts on how difficult it can be. The feeling of why me and the envious feelings toward others who don't know your struggle can be tough. Firstly, just based on your post it see that you are dealing with extreme grief/anxiety due to your stuttering worsening. You are missing your old life where you stutter didn't present itself as rampant. Where you didn't have to think about it constantly (Sounds like me) I'm here to tell you that all of the outcomes you think will happen because of the stutter are bullshit. Your mind is catastrophizing or seeing only the worst possible outcomes of a situation. Your true friends, family, relationships will not end because of a stutter. If they do, they didn't fuck with you to begin with. You are insightful and seem to understand that you do have trauma from your stutter. When you said "*Sometimes I can't even force out the word I want to say completely and I just end awkwardly mid-sentence because I apparently have some unknown trauma from stuttering from like 10 specific everyday words and just break, like a computer program that encountered a bug and terminates the program"* This is telling me that you do understand your triggers and what tenses you up in those moments. however your outlook on the trauma is not helping you. Comparing yourself to others around you that can handle stress better, assuming you're losing brain cells, being extremely hard on yourself, feeling like you're broken, or wanting to be "Normal". These are all negative self talk and will not help you get to the root of your problems. I understand that it's extremely hard to separate yourself from your thoughts. But in order to deal with a life changing thing like a stutter you have to give yourself some grace. Your stutter beating you up and also you beating yourself up will have you end up as a hermit or the other things you don't want. Talk to a SLP, mental health therapist, go to NSA groups, find ways to cope. YOU will be fine if you convince yourself you will. Life is all perspective. I'm a senior IT Consultant, with many friends, constantly having dinner with clients, In a run club, play flag football. all things that sound repulsive to someone in your position. but its very possible. I just decided to change my relationship with my stutter. Instead of something I always ran from, I realized that it was always there when I turned back. I'm not 100% there, but changing my outlook gave me life.