Hey man I completely understand what you’re going through. Tbh I was surprised reading this because I felt like I was reading a description of myself. I’m in the exact same situation, been living in Japan for 2 years and I also passed the N1 a while back, but even though I know everything I want to say I just can’t because of my blocks :/ Sorry I don’t really have any solid advice, but you should be proud of the level of Japanese you’ve achieved and that you’re able and willing to communicate with locals in Japanese, that’s a big accomplishment in itself! I haven’t met anyone in such a similar situation as me before, so it would be nice to talk if you’re down. Lmk!