postr/StutterAugust 23, 2018

My girlfriend's experiences

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My girlfriend's experiences Before starting this, I as well as my girlfriend both stutter (I know, we got lucky lol). She didn't want to make a Reddit account so she wanted me to post it for her. She's an incredibly sweet and caring person. Just wanted to prefix this. ... I wanted to take the opportunity to post my story through the junior high and high school years since I’m a senior, have finally gained the courage to do so, hope that it may help others like me, and let those who made school so hellish for me finally take a step into my shoes, to see how it made me feel and how it still lingers with me now. Some continuously tell me that I’ll miss the “good old days”, or some get senioritis and want to find the fastest way out just because they hate school. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning and expanding my knowledge of the world because there is so much beauty in it. I want to grow in my favorite subjects, which are Biology, Writing, and Geometry. I’m currently striving to be a Physicians Assistant or maybe even a Physician one day. Some scars still remain with me today even though many say I have a lot going for me.....I remember the past vividly, 7th grade ( and not for any good reason). I had a prominent stutter when I read aloud. Despite having every type of speech therapy known to man, it didn’t make a difference, and I couldn’t control my words. I was already very hard on myself because of this and tirelessly tried to hide the insecurity from my peers. My attempt at concealing the issue didn’t work for very long, my classmates noticed the struggle and I immediately became a joke to everyone. I still wonder if I had a literal note on my forehead saying “please bully me to tears”. I would hear snickers from all sides of the room the entirety of the time I tried to speak. It was like they thought I had a mental illness and couldn’t hear them. Surprise, I don’t!! You never realize what anxiety is until you are sitting in a room hearing everyone popcorn read around you and praying to god that they don’t pick you. From the stress, my face would fluster, my hands would sweat and shake, I would become anxious, and I would be extremely panicked the entirety of the reading. It would get so bad that I would have to count my inhales and exhales. I was painfully shy because of my speech, wasn’t popular, and didn’t have many friends. Who could’ve been a better target for the whole class? I’d never focus on the story, so my grades would always suffer in English and Reading classes. I’d rather just the fear the people who wanted me to read for a laugh. I wanted to sink into the chair and time went so much slower when I was under the death grip of fear. I would purposely ask to go to the bathroom and stay there for 15 minutes or more just to get a break and lessen my chances of being called on. Many of those who made fun of me were boys, popular ones, who believed that a joke was more important than someone’s outlook for the rest of the day or week. Schools act like they will look for bullies and punish them, but I didn’t get that luxury and I didn’t expect to. They could’ve done nothing to help me or make it better. It was up to my mental strength and will to go to school and deal with the teasing. I don’t know how, but I had perfect attendance. I have a sense of humor when it comes to stuttering if you know me, but when you don’t, it’s a different story. Many, I guess, just expected me to laugh at the jokes or play along with my own bullying? It was hypothetically and physically sickening for me, but it happened everyday. The teacher would never let me skip on my turn when she clearly knew I had an issue and the entire class would erupt in laughter. Those moments made me feel worse than I’d ever been in my whole life. Everyone would laugh along even if they weren’t making the jokes because why wouldn’t you laugh with the popular kids at someone so vulnerable? Why would you stop and ask a classmate if they were ok after the essential public shaming? The damage they did to my mental health even now is saddening, I’m now extremely shy and barely talk outside of close friends and family. It matters what people say, the quote: “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is complete bullshit. I came home and cried daily. There was nothing I or my parents could do. The school can’t punish the entire class. Making new friends was difficult because many heard me in class and would be afraid to talk to me, either for their own reputation or not wanting to be stuck in an awkward situation. - The friends I did have, thank you for sticking by me and seeing me as a person with feelings, despite the stutter. Thank you for making my day a little better without even knowing it. I owe my happiness during that time to you :) It makes me sad typing this and knowing that there are others going through it. Never give up on yourself, fight for what is yours and allow yourself to bloom against the adversity of people around you. I know I am not a joke and I consider myself a survivor against bullying. I’m happy to say, I’ve worked hard and got high enough grades to move out of the classes with the kids who made school horrible for me. Even though I’ve moved to honors courses, I still have the occasional teasing but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I can say I’ve learned a few tricks to make someone stop talking if they think my speech is funny. Stuttering seemed like a curse at the time, but now I’m happy to have struggled through it and learned so much about myself and others. I got treatment for my speech and it is much better than before, it’s not completely gone, but it’s more controlled. I’ve never been happier, I’ve met the person of my dreams who accepts me for who I am, despite everything. I am stronger because of my battles and I hope that anyone who is in similar situations know that LIFE GETS BETTER. You are worth it, loved, and accepted by so many. People just like you live or have lived this situation, you’ll never walk alone in the journey. Always strive to spread kindness and joy, you never know how it’ll affect someone :) Thank you for reading.

Themes

Anticipation & AvoidanceCauses & VariabilityEmotional ExperienceIdentity & Disability

Subthemes

Feared Words & NamesHiding & ConcealmentExperiential AssociationStress & Fight/FlightShame & EmbarrassmentStigma & Bullying

Codes (3)

reading_aloudsocializing_group_sizeemotional_state