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Maybe in a different life I'm about to finish my degree, 3 years, and I can remember all of it. Every single person, every single sentence uttered or just barely spoken, every missed opportunity, every person with whom I've connected, only to stutter before them, and see their face twitch, and understanding the jig is up. It's the same twitch everytime, It's so visible in my memory. At the first time you choke on your words, they understand something is not right. I remember all of the time I've spent day dreaming about finding people like me, ditching the bad high school days, becoming new, becoming pure. I was so naive. Yesterday I went back home after an exam. I was thinking about the aforementioned, soaking in the campus and appreciating one of the last moments here. I saw someone sitting by herself. I don't know if it's because I was too tired, too dumb or too stubborn, but for a change I went and spark a conversation. Wasn't too difficult, because in my head, I know all the right words and all the right questions. And it was instantly a click. We shared the same taste in music, humor, video games, perspctive on life. It lasted for about 10 minutes, but it couldn't last for any longer, because then again I chocked, and I saw that twitch. That damn twitch. Everything went downhill from there. Every second feels like an hour, and I can see that cute smile shifts into sheer disgust, to which I subscribe. I understand, I can't say I'd act different in her shoes. And here I am, mixing sleeping pills with vodka, because I know the stars were perfectly aligned, for me to have the perfect chance, and I blew it. I can't stop thinking about an alternate reality where I was normal, I see it so vividly, but it's not here. The worst part about suffering from a stutter is the way society perceive you as normal, until you open your stupid fucking mouth. Every conversation is a game of deception, testing for how long I can appear normal. I'm exhausted, and want out There's no use crying over a girl, I understand that, I'm crying over every oppurtunity I've missed in the last 3 years; and for my final trick, I'll miss the biggest one of them all. Thank you for readign this cringe rant, I'll probably delete it when I wake up, goodbye