In my late 30s and in the worst place I've ever been with my stutter.

In my late 30s and in the worst place I've ever been with my stutter. Just venting, I guess. Maybe someone can relate. I've had a stutter since I was a kid, and very quickly developed covert avoidance tactics -- word switching, mentally rearranging sentences, pausing awkwardly as I pretend to gather my thoughts --- you know, the classics. However, I was lucky in that my stutter wasn't severe. I did get teased occasionally, and I was self-conscious about it, but it didn't stop me from living my life. Even so, the damage control program was always running in the background, and trying to express myself always felt like a tightrope walk. Secretly, I lamented the fact that I would never be able to talk like a "normal person," that simply having a conversation would never feel natural to me. I would watch other people conversing and feel intense envy at their seeming effortlessness. (I recognize the self-pity in this attitude now, and that it's self-defeating, but a piece of me got stuck there). Many in my life didn't even know it was an issue for me. I did a decent job hiding it. I went to speech therapy briefly, before starting kindergarten, but the paradigm at the time (80s) was not to even let children know that they stuttered. I can't recall any of the actual exercises or if they helped me. I tried speech therapy a couple times as an adult, but had negative experiences. All this is to say I guess I haven't really "put in the work" to get to a better place with it, but I've had periods where it isn't in the forefront of my mind. I've tried books like "Self-Therapy for the Stutterer" and listened to podcasts to feel less alone. Sometimes I read aloud to myself in the mornings to warm up my vocal chords. That helps a bit. As I've gotten older and become more inward and socially avoidant (mental health issues also play a big role here), my stuttering has become so entangled in my neuroticism that it feels hopeless. You know that anticipatory block feeling you get when you're scanning ahead and realizing a word you intend to say is going to be a problem? Right now that feeling is always there, any time I open my mouth to speak. It doesn't matter what I'm trying to say. It takes such effort. I can't blame this on the pandemic, as I was struggling before that, but it has definitely amplified my worst instincts to isolate and avoid, which in turn has made my blocks far worse. It's almost like I've forgotten how to speak to other humans at all. I'm sure a lot of people are in this boat. Not just stutterers, but anyone who struggles with social anxiety. I just want to be able to physically get the words out. I also caught covid last month. I had essentially been living like a hermit, but interacted with a family member who later tested positive. Luckily, I had a mild case and recovered, but I dunno, I just don't feel like I've come out the other side of the past year the same person. I worry that covid has permanently damaged my brain. I feel even more off and detached than usual. Mentally foggy. Speaking is even more difficult. But it could just be depression/anxiety, which reportedly covid can make worse. Still, I'd be interested to hear from any stutterers who caught the virus and what effect, if any, they think it had on their speech. I know a lot of people are in a bad place right now, speech problems or not.