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I have realised that I don’t care I don’t know how to explain what I mean by this. For a long time, I really wanted to be rid of it. Then, I finally accepted that it probably isn’t possible to be rid of it. Now, I realise that I don’t despair over the fact that I will most likely always stammer anymore. I sometimes get this impression that other people really want me to be upset that I stammer and whenever I say that I am not bothered anymore, they think I am giving up and try to give me futile advice. If it won’t go, and people know secretly in their hearts that it won’t go away, why do they wish for me to be miserable over it? I think it is because they would be upset if they couldn’t talk normally anymore or maybe they even think less of me. I don’t know but I try to not think about it. The thing is, accepting it and not caring so much anymore, it doesn’t mean anything has changed. I still feel scared to speak to people. I still find it hard to go and do simple things that everyone else finds so easy like ordering food or answering a question. I have not improved at speaking just by accepting that I can’t. I have realised that feeling uncomfortable when I do something is entirely logical when I will never be very good at it, however, this doesn’t mean that I should avoid to do it; I have to do it exactly because it makes me feel awful. Whenever people look at me badly, they have this look of shock or disgust or pity or or amusement or anything else that they desperately try to hide on their faces. Whenever I see that, I used to feel awful. I used to fixate upon it for a long time afterwards. It used to hurt. Now, I have found that it doesn’t mean anything. I am always having some thought or some judgment regarding others but it doesn’t mean that I will act on it or that I even agree with myself. I am not going to go out of my way to speak. Actually, I will still go out of my way to avoid doing so. However, when I do have to speak, and when I do stammer, I won’t care about how I feel, and I won’t care about how the person who hears it feels either.