Then you have to try again, because it's a false form of life you've got going on there. That's not me moralising, mind you - that's me wanting something better for you. For what it's worth, I - and I'm sure a lot of others in here - will be happy to talk things through with you, but it might not be what you need. Perhaps for starters, you could browse the many threads in here with people in similar situations, and pay attention to the places where something seems likely to change in perception or thinking. That's what you're after - a different mindset. I think you would need therapy in general if you cannot focus on your positive achievements instead of your negative notions.