Bit Of A Trauma Dump And Call For Help

Bit Of A Trauma Dump And Call For Help (Disorganized post) Hey there, after dealing with recent events I just needed a place to rant a little bit. I’ve been actively stuttering since I believe at least when I was in grade 5 but probably before that too, my school board actually assigned me a speech therapist and at the time I was in the 5th or 6th grade and it was pretty useless sad to say, that may be because I didn’t really care, I also don’t think it was as severe at the time and overall I didn’t have a problem with my speech at the time. Fast forward a couple years and I was in high school, that’s when it really got bad and I’m not sure what changed but I would begin to actively avoid social interactions and not because I was scared of talking to people but because I was afraid of stuttering and embarrassing myself, I started to dread presentations but still did them and as expected would competly fuck them up, an even bigger issue I have with my stutter is that it includes mostly speech blocks where in the middle or beginning of a sentence it feels impossible to get a word or sound out so my mouth just holds the position to make the word or sound making me look so dumb. Another thing I do similarly is hold usually the first syllable of my word and usually make some sort of buzzing sound until I can get it out all this stuff paired along with the tripping over words it took a toll to say the least. But either way highschool is done! I may have never taken risks, never talked to that girl,never got to know anybody random outside of my close friend circle, never went to parties or made the fullest out of my limited youth but at least no more presentations nice right? I guess but now I’m in a community college I don’t like in a program I don’t like wishing I put in the work to go to a uni (I don’t blame this on my stutter) and socialize and try to make up for my lack of highschool experiences with kids my age instead of where I am now without that close friend circle I had since elementary and truly I feel more lonely and isolated than ever. I think of dropping out and perusing high school credits to get into a program I actually like at a school I like and that is what I think i will be doing but that’s a different issue. Back to my stuttering while I’ve always had an issue with it, it wasn’t the biggest deal at the time because I was fine with where I was at the time in life and it didn’t really bother me that I was having trouble speaking to people and not having much meaningful social interaction outside of my close friend circle that I speak to mostly online nowadays and are really my only source of a social life. I don’t go out really if it isn’t with them. But Anyways I met a girl and that is my main reason for typing this post out, I really like her but we have not met in real life yet despite it being quite easy to do so and that is mostly because of me just stalling in fear of my stutter fucking it up, I won’t lie and say I’m the greatest conversation person irl but to be fair the lack of experience is in part due to my stutter but it’s so hard with this stutter it drives me crazy I feel like I can’t say the things I want to say and it truly feels like I’m a prisoner of my own thoughts, I feel forced into being a person I’m not just because the words may be easier to get out of my open mouth and it’s not just words either it’s also tone, it’s even harder when there’s nothing obvious to talk about if we randomly call and I look for things I can say properly, I don’t have any problem keeping conversations in texts going so that’s what makes it even harder, they do know I stutter but it dosnt help one bit there’s men that look better and can properly express their feelings and have a conversation if I don’t have the looks and can’t even show off my personality and my interests and have conversations where I’m not just on the receiving end 99 percent of the time what do I have? I want to be able to have monologues and say what I want without having to replace my words making me sound weird while stuttering anyways most the time, I want to have real deep conversations with people through speech where I can actually keep up and not keep it a surface level question into their answer into me jumping topics because I decide continuing would be too hard and long to say where I stutter so much it ends up not even making sense. I also notice I don’t stutter when reading to myself ever which makes me wonder if I woke up forgetting I stutter would it just disappear? I wanted to write this post out in search for tips and tricks and possibly even prescription medications that has helped anybody out? I’m in a very emotional state at the moment with lots of overthinking and overreacting going on and mainly made this post to rant which is why it probably dosnt make much sense and is very disorganized but also still looking for advice and possibly any people who relate and can recommend any medications. I just want to wake up without this pit of anxiety in my stomach and having to dread speaking to people.