i'm sorry you had to deal with all of that! it seems like you are working and thinking about this, your views are evolving, it's great! a stutterer on stuttertalk talked about how changing your views and how you stutter is like moving a big ship, and i think that's pretty accurate. i'm pretty close to your age (31), and it took me forever to start to open up about this or feel somewhat OK, and i still have moments of intense insecurity or avoidance or rough criticism on my part. you can't be so hard on yourself. i try to think of one thing per day that i did that, in my mind, is "heroic" considering that i am a stutterer. today it was that i called my dad on the phone and wished him happy father's day. previously i would have maybe written an e-mail because having to do something formal where the words are set or if there is some emotion to it i feel i can block more. seriously, you are a warrior, you gotta keep going out there and giving the stutter a good fight otherwise it will eat you up and it will get worse (or at least that is how i view it for myself). some level of self-acceptance felt mandatory after some time because "feigning fluency" creates this weight and pressure that just feels like it is too much to deal with. good luck! PM me if you want to vent or talk more about any of this. :-D