OP, you may not think it, but you’re already self-aware enough to realise that you need help, which is a good thing. This means you are ready for change and change is good but you mightn’t think that in this current moment. The bad thing is stuttering can’t be cured but the excellent thing is that it can be overcome with time & effort. Think of how many people that are successful that stutter/ have overcome theirs. Anything is possible once you put your mind to it. Have you tried Speech Therapy? Another tip: leave the security and job and get a people facing/ speaking role, this will help tremendously with your speech and practice eye contact etc. Also, please see a therapist regarding the suicidal thoughts, you have lots of things that you can contribute to society and make the world a better place, You may DM me if you want to chat more about this.