Most of the people here understand what it's like and what it feels like to go through what you're going through, all I can say is that life can and will get better but it takes a lot of time and work. It won't be easy and there are going to be times where it feels hopeless. As someone who has gone through a similar experience, please re consider, you're only 23 and you have so much of your life ahead of you, so many things you can do and experience. I understand that right now it might feel like there's no way out and this seems like the only way but it really doesn't have to be like this. If you can, try talking to a doctor about how you feel and see what they can do for you. If you truely feel like you have nothing to lose than there's no reason not to try and get help. You're welcome to DM me if you want to talk more!