Buddy I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel, I know how this affect your mental health, your self image...The first thing you have to realize is that you are speech disabled. After that you have to plan your life around it. From what you said I know you have what they call "Advance Stutter" that include speech block. Speech block means you often literally can't speak the words. Things will get better, I believe that. And you can lead a healthy fulfilling life despite this.