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Wish I could be normal I just want to get this off my chest hence the rant. This lockdown is making life so difficult for me because almost everything needs to be ordered either over the phone or directions needs to be given to the ones delivering the goods that we had ordered. Being a person that struggles a lot with making phone calls and giving directions (even to my house is soo frustrating for me) I find it so hard to place these orders. I've always been avoiding the 'giving directions to my house' part, leaving it to the person (don't want to get too personal with this) in my house. Today I literally freaked out when I had placed an order hoping someone would guide the person to the destination and I'd go collect it (even though I have to admit that I hate being dependent on another 'someone' no matter who that is, but not that I'm chickening out of these situations, it's that I've tried doing it before and my speech block just doesn't let a single word come out of my mouth and the person on the phone starts screaming 'hello hello say it again what etc etc' and this is what I hate the most, even if I try to do it my speech block is killing me) Back to what happened today, just when I was thinking they'd attend the call they end up giving the phone to me telling me to answer it and tell the driver etc etc. I felt horrible, I knew what exactly was going to happen and after trying to evade it I finally take the phone in hand, go out and the delivery guy calls and oh my it's emotionally draining even to just talk about it. I knew what exactly I should be telling him but I ended up saying dumb things even when I saw the person's vehicle coming in just in front of me but I made him go back because I just couldn't tell him that I was up watching him. Finally, after a lot of struggle and trepidation and saying even more silly things I got him to come near my home, went out and got the item. I felt so useless and weird, why does it have to be me and how am I going to do this in my everyday life? I know that no advise is going to help me because it's not my mind nor is it me stopping myself from doing these things but it's the inability and the impossibility of getting the words out of my mouth is what's frustrating me. I wish I'd just disappear because nobody understands what it feels like specially the ones who don't have any such problems, they just see me as some coward that's refusing to do things. Sorry for the long post. I feel helpless and miserable. ):