It’s time to start embracing who you are as an individual and find strength in that. You have the right to be happy as someone that stutters, and it is very possible. I think you are putting others on a pedestal and that’s why your experience of stuttering is so painful. But if you realize that other people are just a mortal human being like us all, then you will feel more neutral about your stuttering. You matter and don’t let this end your life, let this be a start to a new way of living that you can teach to others later. This is the start to a confident, don’t-give-a-care, creative, expressive self. No one can make you not speak and say what you wanna say; for us people that stutter we are our biggest enemy, so all you gotta do is overcome your own negative self-talk. If you can I’d recommend getting a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist to correct any unproductive thought patterns you are having. I would really recommend the Dave McGuire course. They have an inexpensive self help book on Amazon called “Beyond Stammering: The Mcguire Program for getting good at the Sport of Speaking.” You can have the book downloaded onto your phone in minutes if you get the Amazon Kindle app. The book will go through psychological reasons for stuttering, give you a breathing technique, and inspire you to get out and practice speaking. The program will be fear inducing but use the people closest to you for support. Keep practicing the techniques and follow what the book says. Then I recommend reading “Redefining Stuttering” by John Harrison, someone who stuttered for many years and was part of the National Stuttering Association for many years. Here is a link. Read the short story on page 281 called “Stuttering is not just a Speech Problem.” It’s very inspiring. https://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/Infostuttering/Harrison/redefining-stuttering.pdf And pray to the Lord. He may not give you immediate fluency but He will guide a great path for you forward that you will be thankful for later. But don’t take your own life. You have many opportunities ahead of you, and each day is an opportunity to take a step forward towards working on your inner feelings.