Reading your post and the comments is like going back to Nam… major ptsd. Reading all this brought me back to when I was 19, and I thought everything you’ve said. I’m 45 now, it got better for me when I was about 23 or so. Something was so wrong with how I was thinking, all day every day about my stutter, constant anxiety, hating god and myself. So fucking exhausting. For me, it changed with the epiphany that I was trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole… I was trying not to stutter, and for me that was impossible, so constant failure and disappointment, self loathing, you get me. Instead I started trying to stutter easily… go into every interaction thinking “I’m going to stutter. I will. I won’t not try and stutter, but I will try to manipulate it… draw out the sound of a word I’m stumbling on, aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnndddd nnnnooooowwww iiiii caaaaaannnn speeeeeaaaak. It sounds so uncomfortable for like 2 secs, then something miraculous happened, I pulled out of my stutter. Bc I stopped trying not to stutter and instead efforts to face it head on, drawing out my stutter, sounds, all of it until the anxiety drops and I can move on normally again. It forced me to come to terms that I will always stutter, but it stopped controlling me, and occupying all my thoughts. And with practice, less and less blocks until it’s rare I get really blocked these days. But it does happen, and I revert right back to long drawn out sounds to force self acceptance, and it fades again. Hope this helps you in some small way. As others have said, you are 1 of a kind and you do have value. Stutterers who get a handle on their stutter are some of the strongest, most patient, humble ppl I have known. Things can get better, and you can have a positive impact in this life you may have never even dreamed of bc of the pain you’re going through now. Looking back, as painful as it was, I wouldn’t change it, it made me who I am today. Stutterers really have no fear, bc we’ve been conditioned to fear one thing so much, everything else pales in comparison. Above all be kind to yourself. Work on acceptance and controlling your stutter, rather than the other way around, and you’ll get there.