I hate this

I hate this I hate having to live like this. I'm tutor. I get referred people who want to study under me. I need to contact them or they will contact me. I can speak fluently in English (except for the blocks on my name mainly) but when I've to speak in the national language I struggle with blocks. I hate it when I go silent trying to say something and the caller is left to wait wondering what went wrong. The words/language I'd speak fluently with my parent (sometimes in a funny voice/tone) just don't/doesn't come easily when I'm dealing with others. If I've to repeat a word that I said perfectly block happens. I don't want to struggle like this. When my family could easily say, "Did you call them?" "Did you speak to them?" I feel so annoyed. If not for these blocks, I'd have been in a better place, I could have worked in any job because the majority of jobs require communication skills. These blocks also make me believe that I can't speak that language. I hate it when people go "oh you can't speak this language can you" "you can't speak (language name) well right?" I hate such remarks. To be mistaken that I can't speak a language that's widely used in the place I grew up makes me feel ashamed. I freeze, even if I try to speak the words don't come out. I want to get rid of this because I can't call the emergency even if I'm dying. I wanted to say something on call, started saying it and then went mute, struggling silently to say those words. I was once fluent in this language. I've not used it much for years but that shouldn't make me struggle with a language that I could speak without blocks when I'm speaking to myself or when I'm thinking to myself but when I try to utter those, I experience blocks. Blocks are so involuntary and inescapable. I hate this. This makes me want to avoid coaching students who speak that language because I don't want to make a fool of myself. I envy those who speak it easily. These blocks make me feel dumb and has me believing that I don't know the language. I panic internally when I hear someone using it, I'd be like how do I speak it, my mind is like making me avoid it. These blocks making me avoid a language that I know. I hate this life. I've tried breathing techniques but what do I do when I go mute, struggling to get the words out. Even if I pause and try to say it, it makes no difference. I feel so exhausted having to put on a show for my family and for those who don't know me.