hey- i would like to help rationalize a few of your (perhaps recent) realizations about when you do and don't stutter, what i've found it's meant for me and my blocking stutter, and then also lend some advice ... if i may. i'm 33. I, too, went through many years of therapy around your age. your relationship with your study is similar to mine. the best way i can describe it- the way it makes sense for me at least - is to talk about a) your natural flow of energy and b) how much you work to suppress it. i'd say that 85% of my stuttering happens situationally- when my feelings of anger, shame, or anxiety start building inside and i'm doing everything i possibly can to stay confident, composed, and fluent. i've got two parts of my brain that are pushing against one another- the harder both sides work against one another, the bigger the blockage disfluency. it's a train wreck. the moment when you stop suppressing the emotion that's building inside you (be it frustration, anger, or what-have-you), is the moment when you remove the "psychological friction", and you start speaking fluently. i'm breaking it down this way because i think it's important to see that the more you allow yourself to express how you feel in the moment rather than suppress it, the more fluency control you will actually have. which leads me to my advice. in order to be completely comfortable letting whatever builds inside to come out, you need to feel "safe" to do so. it sounds like you do not really have any core relationships (familial or friend) where you actually feel the level of "psychological safety" to do that. so, my advice to you is to focus on building that; all it takes is confiding in 1 group or 1 friend or 1 parent. talk to them about your stutter. talk about the same, the anxiety, and especially how you can self-isolate. one thing i've learned along the way is this: people who don't stutter, regardless if they are friends or strangers, they get it. they get it very quickly mainly because a blockage stutter is noticeable and- even more- it's noticeably a handicap/disorder. people generally feel compassionate very quickly and expressively, so long as you are genuine with your words. so, hopefully that will help give you a little confidence to confide in friends or family and to take that leap of faith, if you will. and honestly, if they don't take you seriously or bully you, they're trash. period. you have to know that. i feel bad for those type of people, honestly. but you're 19, you're young and around a lot of people that tend to act immature when they are faced with something like a stutter that they'll never understand by feeling. so, go for it. you don't have another option and you're going to thank yourself 10x over once you find that small group or person that listens and does their best to understand. you're going to see them as lifesavers. for me, i was fortunate enough to have built that early on in my life with my friends. i felt more comfortable with friends than my parents at first. i actually stuttered the most around them too, but it was more so because i wasn't thinking about it. for me, and perhaps for you too, you probably stutter in order of increase disfluency/severity: 1. when you are intentional with your words AND you feel safe, 2. you are just being you and letting a little blockage pop out here and there but don't really care because you're around people that won't judge you for it (you gotta find these people), and 3. when you're intentional with your words but very much at odds with your emotions and/or feel unsafe. as you know, when it starts to get worse, it then gets compoundingly worse. the way to control that is to feel safe, stop, take a moment to breath, and re-set. that's why it's so important to know you have that safe haven. I know it's easier said than done. i promise. i've been there. we've all been there. just know. KNOW. that even the mere attempt to build that safe community for yourself means you are strong. it means you're willing to lay your dignity on the line to make your life better. even if you fail the first time in some massive way, you'll be able to walk away from that moment knowing that you're fighting for you. people respect that. even the random bystander. i promise. most importantly, though in that hypothetical moment you might feel less-than, that will pass, and what will be left is an even stronger sense of pride. you've got this.