Your thoughts are only electrical impulses, reality is you're only holding yourself back. When you're in a mindset like you're experiencing now, it's hard to see that this is the truth. But it is, I was in a similar situation to you, was basically suicidal, all I needed was some hard truths to see that this life isn't worth killing yourself over your own perception of how other people think of you. It's not worth living your life like that. As much as you might think it's bad, there's many people who have gone trough what you've gone through, and have come out of it. Why? Because they realised that is all about mindset.